When I was growing up, my mom did not like to see the start of school. She missed having the 6 of us around the house, fighting and screaming, making messes and mayhem. Most of all, however, I think she missed the companionship.
This summer represents the 20th school vacation I have taken with my children. The first 15 were great. We took trips, made cookies, learned new things like how to sew or how to do laundry. We went to the zoo, went on all day shopping sprees, visited with friends. I understood how my mom did not want the summers to end. Then.....we adopted!!!
Now, the new kids need the vacations as much as our older children, but there are many more hurdles to jump. Raising our newest three wasn't starting from scratch (like you do with a newborn), especially in the relationship department. So, you don't just get into the car and drive to the zoo 4 hours away! In fact, you don't get everyone in the car unless you absolutely need too! So, the last 2 years of summer vacation have been more chore than fun. The special care of children with mental health issues can sideline the most gung-ho family!
The biggest impact has been on the 4 oldest children--losing the freedom that we had been so used to. There was no trip to the cave on the Canadian border or playing "Look at me! I'm in Canada! Now I'm in the U.S.!" (This game Is a favorite with most of our visitors as well!) Summer has become a chore, passing the highest need children, usually 2, to one person while the others go out to the movies or something otherwise fun. It does not make for a fun "family" time when the whole family doesn't participate.
Hopefully, with some more counseling, patterning of normal family interaction, maturity and a good mother's helper, we will get to have a vacation next year. In the time, back to the title...they are off--to school, that is. The last one starts tomorrow at 12:05 and I have 2 hours free to do what I want!!!
Tuesday, September 9, 2008
Thursday, April 24, 2008
The Princess and Her Pee
Kiddos with reactive attachment disorder display some unusual behaviors. After 20 months of living in our house, A(6) continues to be a challenge. She attends kindergarten wearing diapers (her choice, bought with her birthday money). If she goes with "undies," she whizzes where ever she chooses. Now, mind you, I have nerves of steel, but standing in the store with your 6 year old peeing on the floor will bring the strongest to their knees!
Last week, she and I spent some quality time together, her in the "chore chair" refusing to do chores and me prepping dinner. She expressed that she was angry at me and I asked why at me. I had done nothing to harm her, but others in her life (bio mom, dad, siblings) had. We actually engaged in some meaningful dialogue for several minutes. Because of her opening up to me, expressing feelings appropriately, not yelling at me, she earned time out of the chair and played happily for an hour, just like a well functioning 6 year old girl. Then, time was up and she reverted to the old little girl, but I digress.
The next morning, we chatted again, both a little hesitant because of the behavior after her freedom time the night before. She said (now remember, she is only 6), if I didn't treat her like a princess, I was abusing her!
It is interesting how the mind gets twisted by what people do to little kids. So those of us who feel led to pick up the pieces of these little lives must untangle the mess that is left. Sometimes, the task seems impossible. Discouragement is definitely part of my daily life. But, just like the princess in the fairy tale, someday A(6) and I will figure out how to stop that little irritation from driving her. Someday, she will stop wearing diapers. Someday, she will play without reverting to the old little girl.
Last week, she and I spent some quality time together, her in the "chore chair" refusing to do chores and me prepping dinner. She expressed that she was angry at me and I asked why at me. I had done nothing to harm her, but others in her life (bio mom, dad, siblings) had. We actually engaged in some meaningful dialogue for several minutes. Because of her opening up to me, expressing feelings appropriately, not yelling at me, she earned time out of the chair and played happily for an hour, just like a well functioning 6 year old girl. Then, time was up and she reverted to the old little girl, but I digress.
The next morning, we chatted again, both a little hesitant because of the behavior after her freedom time the night before. She said (now remember, she is only 6), if I didn't treat her like a princess, I was abusing her!
It is interesting how the mind gets twisted by what people do to little kids. So those of us who feel led to pick up the pieces of these little lives must untangle the mess that is left. Sometimes, the task seems impossible. Discouragement is definitely part of my daily life. But, just like the princess in the fairy tale, someday A(6) and I will figure out how to stop that little irritation from driving her. Someday, she will stop wearing diapers. Someday, she will play without reverting to the old little girl.
Sunday, April 13, 2008
Full Contact Hymns
Going to church is an interesting expedition in our house. Getting four children with varying mental illness ready can be challenging. When breakfast is finally finished, hair combed, teeth sparkling, we split into 2 cars, the two older kiddos taking two little ones in one car and mom, dad and two others in another. It works better that way.
At church, we sit alternating big/little across the pew in the back. The real challenge is the singing. Kids love music and when you have kids with little self control, you get motion. Sometimes, lots of it! So, I hold onto T(11) and try to corral one other while dad gets the third (one is still in nursery). When it comes reducing the motion in a mania burdened boy with ADD, you get a work out! People pay for this kind of work out and I get it for free, every Sunday morning.
So, the next time you are in church, joyfully enjoying the worship songs, look around. Somewhere in your church, there may be a mom singing and getting a workout!
At church, we sit alternating big/little across the pew in the back. The real challenge is the singing. Kids love music and when you have kids with little self control, you get motion. Sometimes, lots of it! So, I hold onto T(11) and try to corral one other while dad gets the third (one is still in nursery). When it comes reducing the motion in a mania burdened boy with ADD, you get a work out! People pay for this kind of work out and I get it for free, every Sunday morning.
So, the next time you are in church, joyfully enjoying the worship songs, look around. Somewhere in your church, there may be a mom singing and getting a workout!
Monday, March 31, 2008
To Insanity and Beyond
Just like in Toy Story, some things can fall apart around our house. Dealing with severe reactive attachment disorder in A(6) causes falling apart on a daily basis. Feed into the behavior and she escalates. Ignore the behavior and she escalates. No easy answer! Our team of experts continues to be stumped by how stubborn a 6 year old can be. She is cute and charming around almost every one else, but when Mom walks in, "Kablam!" She flies apart hitting anything in the debris trail. It takes it's toll on the whole family.
Tonight, however, we left the 4 kiddos with two very patient teens and spent 3 hours away from the house. That was enough time to unwind and, perhaps, remember why we are doing what we do. It was a time to recover some sanity and talk about something other than psychiatrists, psychologists, RAD, bipolar, IEPs, etc. It was a time to refuel the brain and soul. It was a time that was irreplaceable and we may have to do it again, just as soon as the sitters recover!
Tonight, however, we left the 4 kiddos with two very patient teens and spent 3 hours away from the house. That was enough time to unwind and, perhaps, remember why we are doing what we do. It was a time to recover some sanity and talk about something other than psychiatrists, psychologists, RAD, bipolar, IEPs, etc. It was a time to refuel the brain and soul. It was a time that was irreplaceable and we may have to do it again, just as soon as the sitters recover!
Sunday, March 16, 2008
One Bipolar, Two Bipolar, Three Bipolar, Four
Imagine a child who laughs ferociously one minute and is hitting you and screaming the next. Imagine that for ten weeks in a row, each and every day. Imagine the medication not working as you hoped, and yet, each day you pray that today is the day the cycle breaks. Now times that by three and you have our life.
Life with one bipolar child is unpredictable and embarrassing. Now, with two others, I am finding the single bipolar life a vacation. One might ask what are the odds of three or four children in one family being bipolar. Well, our psychologist assures me it is passed through the dad and the environment and past care influence how and when it comes out.
The first diagnosed was B(4). He was given ADD meds and that turned on the mania. T(11) was being weaned off his antianxiety and hitting puberty and that set him off. A(6) is more depression and aggression and has been that way for a while.
It is typical for boys to be more manic and girls more depressed. It is typical for parents to wear out with only one bipolar child. I can tell you that after 10 weeks of T(11) being manic and the others following, we are wrung out and ready for a break. Hopefully we can find someone or, better yet, four someones to ease the burden until stability sets in.
Life with one bipolar child is unpredictable and embarrassing. Now, with two others, I am finding the single bipolar life a vacation. One might ask what are the odds of three or four children in one family being bipolar. Well, our psychologist assures me it is passed through the dad and the environment and past care influence how and when it comes out.
The first diagnosed was B(4). He was given ADD meds and that turned on the mania. T(11) was being weaned off his antianxiety and hitting puberty and that set him off. A(6) is more depression and aggression and has been that way for a while.
It is typical for boys to be more manic and girls more depressed. It is typical for parents to wear out with only one bipolar child. I can tell you that after 10 weeks of T(11) being manic and the others following, we are wrung out and ready for a break. Hopefully we can find someone or, better yet, four someones to ease the burden until stability sets in.
Wednesday, February 27, 2008
Even in Australia
One of my older kids' favorite books is Alexander and the Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day. Our life is a lot like that book. One never knows what will happen next but you can bet it is probably not good. Before adopting the last three high need kids, I was an optimistic, rational person with control over the important parts of the family's life, and most of the unimportant ones, as well. Now, I awake each morning, ready to face the enemy, those kids at the breakfast table.
Mind you, I wouldn't change anything, except the attitudes that these young folks can possess at such a young age. A, for example, has reactive attachment disorder. She is out to prove she can outlast, outplay and outwit me at every turn of the day. I have never encountered a 5 year old with such venom in her and such a strong will. She has started "momming" everyone in the house including the older kids (23,18, 15). Her latest attempt has been going for about 3 weeks, strongly for the last 7 days. She has managed to make enemies of all the other household members with the exception of daddy, at times.
I continue to work with her rehab counselor and her private counselor as well as the school and Sunday school teachers to work through this. Some days, however, nothing goes right. This is a 5 year old with the will and guile of a 20 year old.
Twenty months ago, when we started all this, I would never have guessed this is where we would be. Someday, we will have victory over the past and start seeing a brighter future. Right now, I am hoping for positive minutes, collecting, eventually, into hours, then days, then....
In the meantime, I will be content with angry faces, putdowns and insults from the 5 year old knowing that the work to change is tough, long and rough. I will be content to think that somewhere someone else is having a similar day, maybe in Australia!
Mind you, I wouldn't change anything, except the attitudes that these young folks can possess at such a young age. A, for example, has reactive attachment disorder. She is out to prove she can outlast, outplay and outwit me at every turn of the day. I have never encountered a 5 year old with such venom in her and such a strong will. She has started "momming" everyone in the house including the older kids (23,18, 15). Her latest attempt has been going for about 3 weeks, strongly for the last 7 days. She has managed to make enemies of all the other household members with the exception of daddy, at times.
I continue to work with her rehab counselor and her private counselor as well as the school and Sunday school teachers to work through this. Some days, however, nothing goes right. This is a 5 year old with the will and guile of a 20 year old.
Twenty months ago, when we started all this, I would never have guessed this is where we would be. Someday, we will have victory over the past and start seeing a brighter future. Right now, I am hoping for positive minutes, collecting, eventually, into hours, then days, then....
In the meantime, I will be content with angry faces, putdowns and insults from the 5 year old knowing that the work to change is tough, long and rough. I will be content to think that somewhere someone else is having a similar day, maybe in Australia!
Friday, February 8, 2008
Good days, bad days
Some days in our house can be good. In fact, before the 3 new kids came, most days were good. Now we measure good times in minutes, sometimes hours, but rarely days. As I was planning a spontaneous event with another family, I said that I would call an hour ahead because that is the most lead time the kids can tolerate. Anticipating good is a fearful thing, one they can not tolerate. Collectively, the behaviors escalate and the words spewing forth become littered with how good things were before they moved in to this house, how much nicer the other foster parents were, etc.
The reinforcement for me is to not plan fun things. The payback is too severe, too many negative consequences. I have been told by H and A that I am not a fun mom. In fact, A was gone from the house and H and I had a little fun. Not much, just enough to give H a taste of how life might be without all the negative talk. She liked it, but spent much of the next day rubbing A's nose in it.
Some day I will realize that the good days have outnumbered the bad. Someday, I will once again be the fun mom. Some day, the new kids will understand that fun is a part of life, not the response of a guilt ridden, ineffective parent. Some day, there will be enough security that genuine laughter will be allowed without the fear of being hurt.
The reinforcement for me is to not plan fun things. The payback is too severe, too many negative consequences. I have been told by H and A that I am not a fun mom. In fact, A was gone from the house and H and I had a little fun. Not much, just enough to give H a taste of how life might be without all the negative talk. She liked it, but spent much of the next day rubbing A's nose in it.
Some day I will realize that the good days have outnumbered the bad. Someday, I will once again be the fun mom. Some day, the new kids will understand that fun is a part of life, not the response of a guilt ridden, ineffective parent. Some day, there will be enough security that genuine laughter will be allowed without the fear of being hurt.
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